Boys Just Wanna Have Fun
by MakeMeYou
Summary: Between Shepard and Alenko there are sparks of passion. The relationship between commander and lieutenant is a scandalous one. But boys will be boys! Drunkards, tattoos and misleading hints of scandalous sex. All events take place in ME1. Slash! M/M love!
1. Romancing Your Drunk Ego

**Disclaimer: I do not own ANYONE from Mass Effect...just doing my thang, typing random nonsensical to my favorite shooting game. **

**I'm fairly new in typing any type of 'game' fanfiction, so I tried my best to even keep this short piece interesting and...in character? Haha, it's probably off...really off. Should I call this crack? I don't know...**  
><strong>Have fun reading drunk Shepard and a fairly short, non-elaborate piece about a drunk and his bro-ho (hah). By the way, my Shepard would always have Kaidan in the squad...so xD...and if you want a visual for my Shepard, it's the default one. John Shepard FTW~! Enough noob talking!<strong>

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><p>Commander Shepard, authoritative figure for the intergalactic universe, stern and respectful. He was a hero and the first human Spectre to rise and to serve under the Council. He was a perfect soldier, but he wasn't perfect in everything.<p>

He was like any other human being, he possessed a couple of flaws. He wasn't the best at conveying emotions, he was a heavy drinker and a horrible party beast...literally. He couldn't even dance to save his own life, that's why he held a gun with both of his hands. But after traveling back and forth in between foreign planets on the grand prototype Normandy and going on missions, he needed time to relieve some stress.

The Citadel was the perfect place to settle on temporarily and slip some drinks into his system.

He wasn't planning on doing this alone though; he brought his right hand man, Lieutenant Kaidan. The dark haired man had been with Shepard through thick and thin for the longest amount of time. He would've taken Joker along too, but the man was a cripple, how unfortunate.

"Commander, may I ask you a question?" The lieutenant asked awkwardly toward his superior.

"Yes Kaidan?" He gulped down a strong alcoholic beverage, ignoring the hazy music dancing around them.

"Why are we…here in the Flux and so late at night?" Kaidan looked around and tried to focus on the abstract moving scenery around them instead of on his commander who was gulping down yet another drink. His commander was turning a bit flushed.

"Lieutenant…I thought…it woulda been…nice to blow…off some steamish. Just da two of…ush. Gethsh shish…no ash tush to-" Shepard was definitely drunk. Kaidan looked at the piled up shot glasses and then at the turian bartender who just chuckled and continued on pouring in the drinks.

"I'm honored sir, but we should really get you back to the Normandy…or somewhere to cool down." Kaidan suggested.

"At least…have a drink!" Shepard shoved a shot glass towards Kaidan and the lieutenant reluctantly took the glass holding the green liquid. "Cheersh! To Saresh future deash!" The commander toasted to his lieutenant and Kaidan watched his commander chuck another glass down before chucking his off the side. Kaidan couldn't withstand the effects of alcohol and he couldn't afford to have hangovers added onto his occasional migraines due to his implanted L2.

Apparently, someone who was passing by slipped on the liquid and fell on their ass in a not-so graceful way. But Kaidan was too focused on the intoxicated commander to care.

"May we go now sir?" Kaidan reached for Shepard's arm and the commander shot his lieutenant a slurred look like he was ready to punch him in his face if he moved him even an inch. But the threatening look was too drowned from the effects of the alcohol to be taken seriously. Shepard's cheeks were red like the bums of the Japanese Macaques and Kaidan marveled at the sight.

"I…don't wanna…pssh!" It was a rare sight to see the commander act like this, so immature and…what else? Drunk? That's like stating the obvious.

Convincing the commander to back was going to take some lying...

"Sir, perhaps we can go dance? I see some of those pretty attractive asaris are waiting to blow your mind." Kaidan lied and somehow this drew the commander's lighter side.

"Yeah!" Shepard suddenly drawled out. He leaned himself on Kaidan. The lieutenant sighed and hauled away Shepard from the bar and slowly supported his commander out to the elevator. The bouncer's gaze followed them out because Shepard was mumbling some incoherent nonsense; Kaidan blew out a breath of air.

He was relieved.

Hopefully the drunken commander wouldn't have his image ruined.

The strong scent of alcohol just churned Kaidan's nostrils. But the body warmth of the close commander was quite…comfortable, like hugging a teddy bear that had a heating system installed somewhere inside.

Luckily for Kaidan, the commander wasn't wearing his armor, so he was a bit lighter. It took quite some time for Kaidan to get the commander back to the Normandy and back to his room.

Kaidan gently placed the still intoxicated commander on his bed. His own body was slightly sore and automatically he collapsed on the bed. He did not crush the knocked out commander, instead slept beside him. His eyelids were slowly crushed by the exhaustion force. He just hoped that the commander would not murder him for sleeping on the same bed as him. He was simply too tired to retreat to his own haven to rest.

Just as both men have drowned themselves into the dream world, Ashley stepped in because she was curious as to why only the commander and Kaidan went out. The sight of the two men held a thousand meanings, and Ashley gasped.

She was completely speechless and slightly paralyzed, but she stepped out slowly before she could stay in the room for too long.

"Oh, shit!" Ashley cursed and looked around to check if anyone was around, she felt like she just saw something naughty.

Why was the commander's hand under Kaidan's shirt?

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><p><strong>Haha, I included some slashiness in the end xD didn't I? Random and pointless, hehe...I'm going to go back and play some more ME. :)<strong>


	2. I Wanna Ash

**Disclaimer: I hereby, claim that I do not own Mass Effect, Bioware does. **

**So, here's another chapter...some weird slashiness ensues, but not much. A fairly, boring chapter...can't believe I'm adding onto the weirdness xD. Enjoy! **

**If I missed an error here or there, I apologize.  
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><p>Shepard snuggled closer to the source of warmth. He never felt this before, it was strangely comfortable.<p>

Shepard's hands unconsciously roamed the surface and felt the heat radiate from it. He felt something that stuck out and decided to explore it with his finger. He rubbed the tip on his fingers on the tip and it felt kind of…like skin, like his own nipple. (Yes, Shepard had touched himself there before.) A low sound emitted from somewhere, Shepard didn't care. But was it getting kind of suffocating in here?

The sleeping commander broke out of his dream world. Darkness surrounded him when he opened his eyes. He tried to move, but somehow he couldn't. What the hell? Shepard grunted and he pushed himself up.

Wow! He felt like gravity was being a monster here! It was like his head was being crushed by some unknown force…before he could force his head any higher, a yelp came out of nowhere.

"C-commander!" He recognized this voice…

"Kaidan?" Shepard called out. He was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Commander, can you…perhaps, lower your head?" The commander did as he was told and lowered his head back on the warm surface.

Kaidan quickly squirmed himself off, apparently the commander's head found its way under his shirt.

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><p>The commander shot his lieutenant a bewildered look. "What were we doing yesterday?" Shepard winced from the mild hangover he was having.<p>

"Drinking at the Flux, you got pretty drunk sir." Kaidan replied and took a small sip of his coffee. The two men sat across from each other in the pantry, they were trying to recollect the events that had occurred the previous night.

"Well, I suppose you were the one who brought me back?" The commander inquired before taking a manly bite out of his strawberry donut with rainbow sprinkles.

"Yes sir," The lieutenant replied and he arched a curious eye brow at Ashley who was sort of heading their way, but she quickly pivoted when she saw the two of them. She looked flustered, almost embarrassed to see them.

"Thanks Kaidan, I hope I didn't do anything out of line while I was…intoxicated. Also, I apologize for my inappropriate actions this morning and yesterday night." Shepard said and Kaidan smiled, turning back his attention back to his commander.

"No problem, we all get a bit too drunk to be saved sometimes," Shepard did not look amused, actually Kaidan couldn't tell. The commander always had a straight face, not that Kaidan ever got tired looking at his commander. "Uh, I should go back to my post now," Kaidan started to get up from his seat, but Shepard stopped him.

"Take a donut before you go, it's going to be a long day. We're going to deport from the Citadel soon." Shepard offered the box of assorted flavor donuts. It was either chocolate or strawberry, all with rainbow sprinkles.

"Hm…is this an order?" Kaidan asked with a slight smirk.

"Well, if you don't take one now, I'm going to have to stick it down somewhere else that's uncomfortable for you and you'll probably regret it." Shepard said all this with a straight face, just his mouth moved to speak those threatening words.

"Whoa, whoa, I'll take a chocolate one then. Thanks commander," Kaidan picked one out of the box and raised it in the air. He inspected it like it was some unusual specimen.

"What's wrong Kaidan?"

"Well, I haven't seen a donut, since…I don't know." Kaidan finally took a bite out of the soft chocolate glazed pastry.

"I see," Shepard finished up his donut before saying his famous, "I should go."

"Commander," Kaidan nodded off and they departed ways.

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><p>Before tackling the galaxy map, Shepard took some time to check on his crew and squad mates. Wrex was there as always, standing on the side and whenever Shepard asks the same questions again, Wrex would explain…the genophage, extinction of his species, his family and whatever the commander had under his sleeves.<p>

Sometimes Shepard would talk to Garrus, but there wasn't a lot to ramble on about with the turian. So who else was on the same floor with these two? Ashley, the chief and the only person who calls him skipper, Shepard definitely knew that the woman had a crush on him and a personal grudge on Liara. He didn't like being involved in these kinds of conflicts. Why can't he have both of them? Not in a sexual way. They could all be friends, but Ashley wasn't going to simmer down her cooked beef anytime soon. Shepard couldn't understand why…

Tali was too busy on the top floor to even partake in this drama. Somehow, Ashley didn't have as much beef with her…

"Ash, is something wrong?" Shepard found himself approaching Ashley who looked flustered and rather astonished when she was called.

"No, sir, uh…I just…got something on my mind." She replied, avoiding eye contact with the commander. Shepard casted a skeptical look at her and being the paragon of virtue he is, he pried himself into her affairs.

"Is there something I can do?"

Ashley finally raised her gaze from the floor to the commander. She opened her mouth, but a long awkward pause followed. Shepard waited patiently and Ashley finally said something.

"Did…you and Kaidan…do the deed?" Shepard's eyes widened and he almost choked on his spit when he heard the two word phrase, 'the deed'. Sex? Shepard knew it all too well…

"Well, we had a mind-blowing night that's for sure." Shepard joked, but in truth his reply came out more like a factual statement.

"Oh…my God." Ashley said breathlessly, she covered her mouth and looked like she was ready to dart out of Shepard's way.

"Yes, and it felt really great." Shepard added on and Ashley almost looked like she was ready to faint.

"Excuse me sir, but I don't think-"

"I was just joking Ash," Shepard interrupted and Ashley looked like she just hit the jackpot, only that she wasn't smiling and looking happy.

"Oh, that was a really bad joke, skipper." Shepard inspected the look in Ashley's eyes, was she a homophobe? Or was she really uncomfortable that her ideal man was probably screwing around with the biotic lieutenant who was capable of many magical things. Not that there was anything going on between him and his lieutenant…not yet that is…

"Well, I suppose that's what was bothering you, am I correct?"

"Yes…not that I'm against the idea…of you two, but…I don't know." Ashley shrugged, her brown eyes darted back and forth like she was looking for an answer on the commander's face.

"Dismissed chief," Shepard said finally ending the unnerving conversation.

A long pause followed, "Sir," Ashley finally said.

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><p><strong>...Not yet...<strong>

**Is this story going to get gayer? Maybe...just warning yall, I don't know what to type next...but donuts! More M!shep would be nice to read on about, but all I see is massive selection all about F!shep...oh well. It's all good. **


	3. Lose Inhibition

**Disclaimer:**I do not own ME, Bioware does.

**So, I completed ME1 today...gotta say that it's pretty awesome! (Got to romance Liara haha) Especially the ending! Ah~I was paragon all the way and now **** I'm going to go make my Shepard into a jerk of a renegade for my second playthrough!**** D: So proud that I completed another xbox game...time to focus on this crackish story! Haha...  
><strong>

**Anyways things between Kaidan and his commander just gets queerer and queerer eh?**

**I apologize for not correcting any grammatical errors that I missed, just don't poke me in the pom-poms!  
><strong>

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><p>Shepard decided it was time to finish all his side missions before heading for the real thing that waited for him in Virmire. He encountered Corporal Toombs back on Ontarom…but the reunion brought Shepard to a gloomy and slightly depressed mood. The man shot himself even after Shepard tried his best to persuade the man to stray away from doing the wrong things and bringing justice to the table without any bloodshed. But both the Cerebus scientist who was held at gun point and him died. As a sign of respect, the commander left the facility and went back to the Normandy.<p>

The commander knew that this was not supposed to hinder his performance in missions, but it was still kind of…sad. Akuze was a place of tragedies, but being the sole survivor of it made him grievous of everything and everyone from that place.

Shepard decided to travel back to the Citadel, to do what though? Get drunk and well, to blow off some steam as well. Next stop was Virmire and anxiety didn't settle too well with the commander.

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><p>Now that Joker had ported the Normandy on the docking bay, Shepard just left the ship by himself. He just didn't expect that his lieutenant caught him leaving. (Even if the departure of the commander would usually be announced.)<p>

Kaidan was debating with himself if he should follow the commander. He was ready to go hunt down a daisy or sunflower to determine whether to go or not. But that would be plain unnecessary and silly, so being the responsible lieutenant he was, Kaidan ran out of the Normandy to catch up with his commander.

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><p>Shepard was already taking shots, but he was in no rush. He was drinking on a full stomach and a heavy heart. He didn't detect that somebody would approach him, until a hand grabbed his left shoulder which automatically triggered his reflexes.<p>

However, life has taken the déjà vu route so…

He was twisting the arm of his lieutenant. "Ouch, sir! Mind if you ease up on the tendon twisting?"

Shepard released Kaidan's arm and said, "Sorry about that lieutenant, did I injured you?"

"No, I'm fine. Getting wasted already? You should've brought me along," Kaidan smiled and eased himself beside the commander. The commander shrugged and watched Kaidan order a drink. He observed how hesitant his lieutenant drank the green alcohol and quickly noticed the slow flush that was just dying to come out as his prominent features.

"You don't look so good Kaidan, are you sure you want another drink?" Shepard asked. He had stopped drinking after his second one.

"I'm fine, commander, hit me another!" Shepard felt himself crack into a smile. His mood suddenly lightened with Kaidan's slurred speech and signaled the turian bartender to tone down the drinks. The bartender nodded in agreement and chuckled. "Come on commander, let's get wasted together." Kaidan flashed his commander a goofy smile.

Shepard mentally took a picture of his intoxicated lieutenant. It was amusing and somehow it tickled his fancy, he decided he would get wasted with him. Okay, if not wasted at least smashed.

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><p>As Kaidan got closer to the wasted stage, his actions became more outrageous. His speech was all over the place and he was pretty much all over Shepard. He went 'Ooo!' and 'Ahh!' speaking his mind without consequence. Then he said something that was pretty surprising.<p>

"Commander, if you were a woman, I would…hic!" Kaidan paused and took another sip before finishing.

"Kaidan?" Shepard's curiosity grew by a mile.

"I-I…don't know…hic!" Shepard leaned in closer and examined the flustered and very drunk Kaidan. The lieutenant unconsciously made eye contact with the commander and then suddenly they could feel sparks fly…or was it all in their heads?

"Come on lieutenant, I want to hear it." Shepard said, encouraging the drunkard.

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><p>Somehow, it felt like a really long dream. Kaidan woke up with a horrible bang in his head and suddenly all of his thoughts flowed in very slowly like tar gushing out a pipe. So was this how a hangover supposed to feel like? Without taking in the surroundings, Kaidan got up from the bed and headed for the water pitcher that stood out as plain as day. His dehydration was slowly killing him. He gulped down the whole thing and felt a bit better. However he still felt a bit…fuzzy.<p>

His body started to start up and he took note of these new sensations that took over. What was this feeling that was hindering his movements though? He didn't even notice before…his ass hurts…a lot and it disturbed him. Then Kaidan noticed that he was naked and that this was the commander's room! He could hear soft snoring behind him and he turned to see that his commander was naked as well…this was not good…

Kaidan felt himself sweat profusely as he began to panic, but his panic attack escalated when the commander started to stir awake.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Kaidan hissed to himself and he quickly looked around for his clothes. He couldn't find them! There was only the blanket on the bed and that was covering the commander's lower part of his body. He couldn't just grab it and run off with it…so it was time to confront the inevitable.

Maybe not so quickly though…

Kaidan ducked to the opposite side of the bed and tried to hide his nether regions and protect what little dignity he had when the commander slowly rose awake.

Shepard took his time, he felt kind of sore like he had the most intense workout ever. He looked around and saw Kaidan trying his best to be invisible, he didn't freak out though like the lieutenant did. He seemed calm and composed. The commander chuckled softly and moved himself over to Kaidan's side. The lieutenant did not expect this. His whole body clenched into a lobster.

"Kaidan, just stand up," Shepard said and Kaidan slowly rose to a kneeling position. He didn't want to stand in front of the commander fully naked, it was just too embarrassing.

"Commander, care to enlighten me on what happened last night?" Kaidan asked. He looked like a frightened rabbit that had been captured under the wolf's grasp.

"We…" Shepard couldn't even continue on without laughing. Kaidan never saw the serious commander laugh before, so it was kind of awkward. "Sit next to me and I'll try my best to explain." Shepard scooted over back to his side and Kaidan slid onto the bed without exposing his genitals for public viewing, or at least Shepard viewing. He felt a bit relieved when he covered his manly parts with the blanket. Shepard couldn't help, but chuckle. Kaidan was acting like a virgin, or was he? He couldn't blame the man though; the situation was indeed a bit complex.

"Please continue," Kaidan urged on when he was finally settled in.

"Alright then, you got wasted after your third drink. I was a bit intoxicated myself, but I was able to take you out of the Flux. But then you suddenly decided to stray into some shop. We were forced to get lower back tattoos. I didn't want to hurt the innocent, so I let the tattoo artists do their deed. But it hurt like hell,"

"Oh…shit…" Kaidan felt himself blush under the pressuring embarrassment. "I apologize for my inappropriate acts commander, but how did we end up naked?"

"Compensation," Shepard smirked and Kaidan sat there dazed, speechless, flabbergasted…and above all else…violated.

"Are you serious, sir?" Kaidan cringed tightly, hoping that Shepard would share his funny bone with him. But no, Shepard showed that grave expression that showed the world that he wasn't screwing around.

"Kaidan…don't tell me that you're…chaste?" Shepard leaned forward and somehow his radiating heat mingled with Kaidan's. Kaidan's blush deepened, he clutched onto the blanket like it would give him the courage he needed to answer this question.

Kaidan sucked in a breath and coughed. "Are you?"

The commander cocked an eyebrow at him.

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><p><strong>I can't believe that I made this story into a slash fic...but I gotta say that it was really fun making up these strange situations. The whole situation just became more crackish...so yeah, see you next chapter! <strong>


	4. Sweet Dream Or A Beautiful Nightmare?

**Disclaimer: I don't own a thing from Mass Effect. Bioware does. **

**So, the slashiness ensues and it gets a special transformation, thus it turns into a full-fledged gay scene between the commander and his lieutenant. I will have to ask for your cooperation for the first part of this chapter and use your imagination a bit. Actually, I'm not sure if it's needed...just read in between the context. It's my first time in writing these type of scenes...I just can't bring myself in writing real lemon. It's too much for my eyes xD.**

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><p>"No, I'm not lieutenant. I'm no clean can…I'm sure you aren't either." Shepard's face twisted into a wicked expression. Oh no, something bad had crossed the commander's mind. Shepard suddenly leaned in real close to Kaidan's face.<p>

"Uh…that's kind of…personal…" Kaidan withdrew himself from the commander.

"Well, lieutenant I heard that if I was a woman you would love to 'romance' me. But you also said that being with a male didn't really matter to you either as long as it is the commander." He really said all that crap yesterday night? The commander's expression was stern, but his tone said otherwise.

"Pardon my inappropriate bullshitting; I was wasted at that time…" Kaidan defended.

"It didn't sound like bullshitting to me lieutenant; you sounded like you really desired it from the bottom of your heart. So, why don't we try it out and see where this goes?" Shepard sounded like Harkin for a moment there.

"Wha-? This is fraternization!" The lieutenant exclaimed bemusedly.

"So what? You were always more than a subordinate to me, Alenko." Great, now he was using his last name to address him in that sensual tone of his. The situation was getting more personal than it seemed.

"We still have missions, we shouldn't be doing this. Saren is out there," Kaidan said, but Shepard just kept getting closer to home. It was too late to refuse and disapprove; Shepard had dipped in real low…to connect their lips together.

Kaidan wasn't sure if this was real, or just a dream. He just wanted that fuzzy feeling to go away and leave him alone. But that didn't happen, well, at least it was the commander who took initiative...

What was he thinking? This was an inappropriate act! Kaidan tried to push Shepard away, but being the authoritative and strong soldier that his commander was, Shepard firmly pinned down the biotic lieutenant. Being older didn't necessarily mean that he was physically stronger than the younger superior. It was completely, the opposite.

"If you disapprove, why don't you lift me or throw me across the room? I know you can," This taunting comment hit Kaidan a bit too close to home, even if he did have the ability to lift the commander off of him with his biotics, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want whatever happened to Vyrnnus happen to his commander. Shepard was different. If he had his way with him, it was okay…actually…was it? No! It definitely wasn't!

_'Lift or throw?' _

_'Lift or throw?' _

Kaidan struggled with himself. He was too lost in thought and in his own mental turmoil, he didn't notice the younger male make his advances on him.

Kaidan was losing this chess game and he was losing it hard and fast!

The lieutenant squirmed a bit when he felt the weight of the commander on his chest. Then their sensitive parts mingled and with the encourager on the side, Kaidan felt himself inhale sharply. Shepard's breath became quick and short like his.

He knew this was wrong on so many levels, yet he could feel himself start to take in the guilty pleasures of the relishing warmth and contact. The feeling of his commander's hand was hard to describe, it was like drawing out something buried deep inside of him.

Kaidan felt like he was drowning...very deep into the wavering seas.

"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered softly, he was lost...his eyes were closed and he just felt the repeating of movements.

"Lieutenant?"

"Shepard..."

"Kaidan, wake up!"

"Huh?"

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><p>Kaidan bolted straight up. He was drenched in sweat and his body was reeked with the nasty stench of alcohol. He countered his commander's concerned gaze with his anxious one. The lieutenant was about the scramble out of his bed, but ended up losing in the scuffle with the tangled white sheets. Kaidan still felt that fuzzy feeling, it was probably from the alcohol and this time it was a bit more severe.<p>

"Lieutenant, it's okay to stay where you are positioned." The commander said and Kaidan stopped moving. The lieutenant felt embarrassed and kind of blushed.

"Sorry commander," Kaidan slightly dipped his head in shame.

"No, it's alright. I just wanted to thank you for putting up quite a show last night. I really appreciate it and..." A long pause followed and Shepard gave his lieutenant a creepy smile. "Enjoyed it..."

Kaidan gave his commander a bewildered look. His heart began to quicken as the thought of the possibilities of what 'the show' could be crossed his mind. He couldn't quite think what to say, but this, "Just doing my job sir," Now, why the hell would he say that? His job was to get drunk and entertain his superior?

"Yes, I see." Shepard smiled. Kaidan felt himself smile too; at least Shepard's current smile wasn't as scary as the one from his dreams. "We'll be arriving at Virmire soon, get everything together lieutenant. I'll need your biotics,"Kaidan sat up straight and nodded.

"I'll be ready to go in a few, commander." Kaidan said and Shepard nodded approvingly at Kaidan.

"I should go."

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><p>Kaidan dived into a cold shower. He shivered from the piercing cold, but felt the coldness pierce together his conscious mind together. He needed his energetic and prepared Kaidan out, not his sleepy and slightly aroused self...that dream made him a bit disturbed...<p>

"Damn it! Kaidan snap out of it!" Kaidan scolded himself. He reached for the bar of soap that rested on the soap dish. He began to scrub himself with the soap bar and then rinsed the soap bar of its bubble buds. Next, it was his turn, but he still felt that he wasn't clean enough. He used the body wash this time and rubbed the gooey substance on him.

Kaidan sighed. Another mission, another battle.

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><p><strong>Well, we still ain't up to Virmire [wtf is taking so long?]...I'm kind of lazy...that's why the next chapter will...come out soon[LIE].<strong>

**(Also, yall probably thinking...why not use Liara for the biotics? I don't know...haha.)  
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**I apologize if I did not pick up on all of the grammatical errors, or if my sentences may sound a bit funky...but here ya go. Review, love it, hate it, dislike it, like it. I'll see you in the next chapter. **

**Thank you for reviewing too, I forgot to add this to the previous chapter. I really appreciate it, although I know my ME fanfic is horrible and OOC.  
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